Focus

I'm pregnant. I'm 12w5d pregnant with my first. So far the majority of my time has been spent with pregnancy books and articles and websites. Doing research on pregnancy and reading other peoples stories and responding to message boards. Some house cleaning. Some time with friends. Some goofing off on facebook games. But my life has become defined by this pregnancy.

We had tried for 20 months. So to finally find out that I'm pregnant was amazing, exciting and overwhelming.

So out of that excitement and feeling of being overwhelmed by all the changes I started obsessing over everything pregnancy related. I'm signed up for like eight different pregnancy website mailings, it's ridiculous honestly. I spend just hours of time on these sites.

I had to quit my job because my job wasn't pregnancy friendly and my little company didn't have more friendly position available. Thankfully, it is tight, but we can afford me to be home.

So now I have even more time to obsess.

My life has to be more than just pregnancy and baby. I can't completely let go of my life. Maybe I didn't have a whole lot more going on than work and wasting my time on facebook. But I've got to figure out something more to my life than just my new job - expectant mom. 

I have this beautiful wonderful friend who is just amazing. She gave birth to her 3rd child in December. She manages her husband's music lessons and shop. She owns her own photography business. She's also a consultant for an in home sales business called Thirty-One, they do bags and home organization. And she's also taking care of her grandmother. She's also starting the process of finding and working with general contractors designing and building her home. She sings and plays guitar and hosts an open mic night once a week in the studio. And she knits blankets for all her children and they grow in her spare time. I don't know how she has any spare time at all. Seriously she is super woman.

I want to be more like her. I know I have tons of things that I'm good at and tons of things that I enjoy doing. I tend to lack two things - patience and confidence; the patience to learn and develop and advance new skills when it gets difficult, and the confidence that my skills are good enough for anything worth while.

I don't expect to go out and create a business of my own or anything. But I need more hobbies than knitting and facebook - and I don't even knit that much. And guess what's on my needles right now - a baby blanket - big surprise.

Things I want to do:
Get better at playing guitar
Learn to play piano comfortably
Create crafts - like wall art, and organizers for jewelry
Learn to sew better - like way better
Become a better household CFO
Become a gardener - clean up, research and design a beautiful back yard oasis.
Get organized - so needed.
Fitness! Oh how I miss being healthy and fit!
Become an amazing healthy cook!
Plan meals and organize the kitchen.
Be more decisive - make the plans and keep with them and don't worry about every little thing.

Alright. That's a good start. Now these are the things that I need to be focusing on instead of obsessing over everything pregnancy, every little possible change in me, and facebook games.

Lets see how good I can do with this.

Statements To Evaluate

So after a work review gone very wrong, I am left with questions about myself, my motivations, my goals, my desires.

Some of the ones that are most pressing questions on my mind and statements that I find myself repeating are:

Why bother?
I'm never going to be unique enough to do anything great.
Its too hard.
You quit too quickly.
What do I believe in?
What do I want enough that I'm willing to work for?
I can't do it.
It's just boring.
I'm not getting any kind of reward out of it.
It's just not worth it.
Is there anything worth it?
What am I passionate about?
Am I passionate about anything?
Am I content with just floating through life on the waves of the sea?
Or is there some place that I want to go?

What do I want?

These thoughts and these statements need to be evaluated. Where did they come from? Why do I struggle with them? How can I change them to  lead the most productive and valuable life possible for myself?

Have I really become a self centered, lazy person expecting the world to do for me and provide for me?

If I have, I find that disgusting and it needs to change. I need to be more than that. I need to find my passions and desires and pursue them. I need to live my life.