Ugh.... Need to look deeper.

I am bored. And I am boring. Being bored is a choice. How do I choose differently? Here I am saying I'm bored as my husband is feeling the burden of too much on his plate. What is wrong with me? Why aren't I doing more. It's not like there's nothing to do around the house. My house has plenty that can be done. I'm not bored, I feel like I'm missing out. I need more socialization. I need more connection with other people. more meaningful connection. I need more meaning in my life.

I love being mom. But I am so much more than mom. What exactly that means I don't really know for sure, but I know I need to figure that out before I lose it.

I need to get out more. I would really like to do things during the day because of my husband's schedule. It would really maximize my use of time. Get out during the day and still have time with the hubby at night. I don't know of anything going on during the day regularly. Maybe I should organize something. Would anyone come to something that I organize? I don't really have the strong network of people to invite. That's the whole point is to get to know people better and develop that network. Seems like a catch 22.

I must find a way. I must find time for socializing and getting out of the house and finding who I really am. I must find time for the things that I really need.

Finding Motivation

Had a beautiful baby boy back in October. Everyone's happy and healthy and wonderful. He's now 7 months old. And growing more independent and capable by the day. He's only 7 months old, so he does need me a lot still, but really nothing compared to when he was first born of course.

This leaves a lot of time on my hands where I'm caring for him, but I'm not actively doing anything.

This brings me back to a previous conclusion. I am a terrible housewife.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing on a regular basis. I just make it up as a go. The house is in a general state of moderate chaos. With 8,000 things half done, I regularly meander about in my pajamas in a poor attempt to entertain myself and my babe through the course of the day. The apparent lack of direction and purpose is obvious to any onlooker.

I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing at any given moment. I don't have a clue. And as far as what is my passion and purpose, other than raising this amazing little dude, I again have no clue. Wasting all my time on facebook and games isn't getting me any closer to understanding that. I'm freaking 31 years old. As a kid, I thought by now I'd have this part of me together - at least the knowing what it is I want to do when I grow up - heck I'm already "grown up". Yet, still, no clue.

I don't know what I want. Or why I should want something. Or how to really live my life.

This sounds so depressing. Perhaps maybe that is my problem.

My weight is out of control, it's effecting my ability to get around through previous heel and knee issues flaring up under the stress of the extra weight. My house is a disaster. My relationship with my husband is essentially roommates or coworkers. I'm convinced that everything I do or don't do with my son is wrong.

I know I need to do something to change, well, everything, but I don't know what to do or where to start.

In the midst of all of this confusion, all I know is that God is big enough to see through it all. Perhaps by drawing closer to him, he will clear the fog enough that I might be able to have a glimpse of  direction, purpose, passion.

Now if I can just stay focused enough to draw a little closer to God each day.